Friday, March 04, 2005

Dr. Feelgood gets a check up.

Had quite a mad day with the backward world that is the N.H.S. This morning I realised that my idea of seeing how long I can go without an inhaler is not not such a good idea after all. It was snowing, I was gasping, so I thought I should go see the doctor.

Found the doctors and filled in a whole lot of forms, and sat down to wait my turn. I look around to check the waiting room, every person a deadly infected person that can make me even more sick than I already am. Must get this over with.... pronto.

There is a lady a few chairs away that looks ok, but I soon figure she's totally bonkers. She gets up and asks the receptionist for a light, then 2 glasses of water. Then sits down. Then gets up, then laughs, the asks if everyone is ok. Then asks the receptionist if she can get an appointment, then complains about the time. You get the picture. She then asks for the number for the local psych ward. I'm quite amused at all this and try not to chuckle. Meanwhile the only other patient is looking at me and shaking her head. She's a waspish old chav hag with big fake gold hoop earrings. Real classy. She was dying to blab to me, but to be honest I couldn't be fucked to talk to this old boot. I just wanted to get out. My name came up, and I was off to see the doctor.

The doctor has advised me to go to the hospital and get xrays of my chest, and poke me with needles. Great! Just what I want. To go to the bloody hospital, in the bloody snow, on the bloody bus, in bloody Dulwich. What a way to spend a morning. I trudge to Dulwich Hosptial and find where I have to go. Get the nasty blood tests out the way, then join the queue of freaks for x rays.

There's a few of us. There's big west African gangtster dude, with big Avirex jacket, cap, totally blinged out, a real 50p. There's old fat grandad, who looks pissed off with everything. And to top it off there was an extremely posh, rich looking old dame.

Some guy came in and told us that we would be seen to shortly, but first we all had to get into our gowns. We all got handed these standard cotton gowns. The ones that you do up the back. I looked around and immediately thought, this is going to be fun. We all went and got changed and the games begun.

Gangster guy came out with the gown tucked in to his jeans, bling over the top and jacket still on. Old fat grandad came out with the gown on backwards with his huge fish white belly hanging out the front. Gorgeous eh. And to top it off the posh dame comes out with the gown on, dressed immaculately, except for her legs which were covered in thigh high black stockings, with suspenders and boots. Believe me, it's not a good look. Not by a long shot.

All I can say is that I felt that I had been admitted to the looney bin, that or an extra from "One flew over the cuckoo's nest". It was very surreal morning, and I wondered what possibly could happen now.

Two x ray nurses came down the hall. The first one was this old sausage-fingered, portly old mole with a face like a bag of smashed crabs. The other was a svelte, leggy, eastern european, fully bonified A grade porno nurse.

You can guess who I got. Old cumberland claws. I was postioned with my hands behind my back, my chest on some freezing metal and told to hold my breath. The nurse waddled behind a thick screen and i was photographed by some giant sized metal dental drill.

Finally I can go. I walked out and got changed. A silly notion crossed my mind. I'm going to steal this gown. I looked down and saw a discarded gown on the floor. Perfect. I do a quick switch, bung the gown in my bag, come out of the changing room, slam dunk the decoy gown and casually stroll out of Dulwich Hospital. I hopped on the bus, and before you know it I was, far way from the madness that was my morning.