Wanted! Shoot on sight.

Originally uploaded by LIFE OF REILLY.

I had the misfortune of snapping one of my headphone bits that curls round my ears this morning. Then to make matters worse I snapped the other curly bit. Thus leaving the treasure trove of music, my ipod abandoned until I score some headphones. Great. Because of this I have had the joy of listening to Chris Moyles on BBC 1.

How can this dickhead get on the radio? He screams, rants and acts like some yob down at the boozer. I even went to the website to have a gander at his mug. Bingo. He is that yob down at the boozer. If this guy has the prime time radio slot on what I gather is the most popular mainstream radio station then what's this country coming to? May as well step in front of moving buses now people.

He had a stream of thought today (more like a streak of piss) but I am compelled to tell you anyway. He asked a well thought out question. Which Spice Girl would you do? That I'd do? Apart from doing them all in with a broken chair leg, I thought well what Spice Girl would I like to get up the duff.

Ginger: Well she has had so many make overs and diets, I fear that she is now actually made of paper mache and straw, and is coated with spray varnish. A bit like that brilliant film "Death becomes her" with Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn. So she would be a no go. Imagine sharing a post-bonk ciggie in bed. She'd be up in flames in no time.

Baby: Now here's a toughie. She has a certain quality that looks corruptible. But I fear she likes blonde vacuum brained boys, that are possibly inbred or crossed with golden labradors. It also reminds me of a joke. Why did the blonde have a sore belly button after sex. Because her boyfriend was a blonde.

Scary: She's gone right into the gutter since she started appearing on Bo' Selecta. Wouldn't touch her with a barge pole. But I would stab her with it.

Posh: Two words. David Beckham. Who would want to go there? After that moron? He's from good stock eh? A man who possibly can't even spell "DVD" and come to think of it probably tries to rewind them.

Sporty: She's a dyke, right? Good on her. Nothing in the whole planet would possess me to chase a girl who A: Likes sport. B: Plays sport. C: Wears sports bras D: and prefers to drink from the furry cup.

Thanks Chris Moyles. You've wasted my time this morning, raped my ears with your septic voice, and now I'm going up to the radio to turn you off. Fuck you.

P.S. Anyone got a spare set of headphones I can have. Email me please. I'm desperate. Someone just put on the Athlete album "Tourist" on. Save me before I go into the kitchen and drink the bottle of bleach under the sink.