Thursday, February 03, 2005
I'm just over the shingles and now I'm coming down with the cold. I've been trying to combat it with vitamins, lemsip and sudafed. But I realised this morning that it's all futile. Basically as soon as I step out of my house, I'm fighting with millions of people's germs. Here's my point. I hopped on the Victoria line this morning and hunkered down to go to work. This guy in front of me got my attention. He was rubbing his nose. No big deal, except the way he was rubbing his nose. He was rubbing it up and down, giving himself a little piggie nose. Gross. He kept it up for about 20 seconds. Then he starts to itch the inside of his nostrils. Double gross. He then puts his skanky hand on the rail. He repeats this several times and then gets off. I'm transfixed on this spot of railing, just to see what happens next. A lady hops on and stands where snot-man was. She then puts her hand in the very same spot. A minute later she takes her hand and starts to itch the side of her lips. For fucks sake. She does this a couple of times. Shes probably got a coldsore coming up. If she hasn't, she's most probably got some snot based lurgy now. At this point every surface in on the tube is infectious, and I'm imagining that I can see viruses. Weird sea anemones sliding over peoples bodies and slugs with little bat wings hovering like pregnant bumble bees, coughing their insides all over everyone in their path. We get to Victoria and I'm seriously feeling like I'm going to throw up. The tube is now packed. The vitamins, sudafed and lemsip I took before I left the house stupidly on an empty stomach is going on strike and is now pushing the eject button. My mouth is salivating, and I feel like hurling is imminent. I'm wondering what if I did throw up. Over everyone. Now that will be a sight. I open my knapsack thinking at least i'm not going to do a exorcist, and save my self major embarressment. I'm trying so hard not to throw up. So hard. We reach Oxford Circus and the tube is now empty. Thank the god of porcelain. My queasiness subsides and I make it to Kings Cross and get off back into virus world. God help us, if the asian bird flu gets here. 12 Monkeys here we come. I'm going out to buy a human sized surgical rubber jump suit, and a high powered water pistol filled with disinfectant. C'mon viruses, let's party motherfuckers.