Monday, November 14, 2005

Eight Reasons for hibernation

Reason One for hibernation.
I have not been working much and trying to be conscious of my dwindling money, and non-existant savings which seems to evaporate the minute I step outside the house. Hence, the best cure for not spending money is not go out.

Reason Two for hibernation.
It's freezing cold out there. I don't like it. It's not natural. I'd have fur if I was meant to go outside in this baltic weather.

Reason Three for hibernation.
A sudden urge to eat really heavy food. Namely pie and mash with oodles of gravy. I even drank a mug of gravy the other day, and y'know what, I loved it. I'm basically gravitating towards food that will warm and fill me up and set like a nutritious bowling ball in my belly.

Reason Four for hibernation.
I think this reason is directly linked to reason three. Sleep. Lots and lots of sleep. I can't seem to get enough of it. It might be because I'm trying to digest a bowling ball, or maybe because it gets dark at at friggin' 4.30pm. By 7pm my body is saying "You should be getting tired now, it's pitch black outside, and polar bears are rummaging through the bins." Sleep is also a great way to combat cabin fever, which I've been suffering due to reason one.

Reason Five for hibernation.
I have strong feelings that I may have been a bear in a past life.

Reason Six for hibernation.
Winter in this Kingdom seems to be three quarters of the year. Unless I go to Glasgow, where it's more like four fifths of the year. Also it seems if you venture outside you have to wrap up like a michelin man. Not a good look in my book. Great if you happen to get stabbed however.

Reason Seven for hibernation.

The winter blues. I think I get them. Infact, I know I get them. I've seen the light boxes on telly, I've tried to recreate the same effect, by sitting in front of the fridge at night with the door open. This leads to me getting more cold, and a compulsion to eat the contents of the fridge. Again, not a good look.

Reason Eight for hibernation.
I tend to get rather grumpy in the winter. All my mates notice it. Thank God they put up with it. I know I wouldn't. It's a by product of reason one. When you spend a good time alone, like a week, without hardly saying a word to anyone, with hardly any phone calls, you tend to retreat into lumbering bear mode*. Well I know I do.

So there you have it. Eight bloody good reasons to hibernate. The only hurdles I can see is somehow paying the rent for three quarters of the year whilst being in my bed, and how I can get nine months of pie and mash into my fridge.

*This usually for me is getting up at around 10.30, lumber into the lounge, with duvet intact, switch on the telly and get totally engrossed with the English version of Jerry Springer. Sit warm and snug, and smug at the fact that your life ain't never going to be as shit as the ones your watching on the telly. Usually after a while, I wrap up and scurry to the shops and get a Frey Bentos pie-in-a-tin. (It's the crack of the pie world, honest) and a few spuds. Make the food, and demolish it. Then I usually go for a nap till 3.30ish. When I wake up, I usually do the dishes (just so I have a sense of routine and not to incur the wrath of my flatmate. Now it's getting dark, and I slump back into the couch and watch mind numbing telly. Flatmate comes home, we exchange grunts and I usually stay put, remote stuck in my paw. Constant channel flicking then ensues, with little spurts of internet surfing. Eventually I'll get bored, then I'll retreat to my room (cave) and get under the duvet in my bed, and watch a dvd on my laptop until I nod off.

I just re-read that last bit. What a fantastic life I lead!.......not.

Friday, November 04, 2005

365 days of verbal diarrhea

Well, it's been a just over a year since I started this blog. I've had 6727 people visit it as well. It amazes me that ANYONE EVEN bothers. I looked at my stats at the search terms that actually brought people here.

"traditional polish smalec picture"
Why anyone apart from myself wants to see a picture of polish double fried pig fat, is beyond me, but hey I'm glad I'm not alone on this one.

"tumors in fried chicken"
Maybe someone out there is trying to scare themselves into not eating fried chicken. Like I tried, miserably. Bird flu? Bring on the chicken, I don't give a flying fuck.

"pigeon poison recipe"
I have no idea what the hell this is about. But I have a sneaky feeling that they are talking about what goes into kebabs.

"penny wood methamphetamine"
This is the lady who looks like an Orc from Lord of the Rings. Oh, shes a meth freak too. I wonder if many people going to New Zealand spot Orcs these days. I'm sure they don't have to look too far.

"satanic scotland"
Ahhh, St Nick Cave. The patron saint of satanic scotland, where it gets dark at 3.00pm and there are crows that steal babies from prams, and everyone drinks far to much, and food ain't food till it's fried.

"tennents lager"
The super strong stuff. I haven't had the balls to try it yet, and looking at the people that do drink it, I'm in no big hurry either.

"British sheep puppet"
My mind is racing with this one.

"Cocaine in coconuts"
I'll take a bunch thanks!

"frey bentos pies"
I'm not the only one who has a fascination with meat in tins. But jeez, pastry as well. Find me Frey Bento's daughter, I'm on one knee.

"nightmare hsbc"
We all know how much banks suck. But these bastards take the cake. High Street Banking C**ts

"can i take lemsip with sudafed 12 hour"
Like I can offer profession medical advice? I'm sure I've had a heart attack, stroke, and a few seizures, and that's most weekends.

"The KLF + fish"
Great band, great umm, er fish?

"george the fourth brixton"
Anyone want to accidently lose control of an 18 wheeler on Brixton hill on a Sunday morning? I'll buy the gas.

"Looking for love in all the wrong places"
Anyone know the right places? Email me please.

"give us an article on child traffiking"
Like I'd know anything about that, but I hear you can fit 15 to a tea chest if you pack em properly. (I'm going to hell for that one)

"how people end up on the streets"
Spend 6 months with me, and we'll see how we go!

"Is my Life a mistake as I can't find a Job"
You poor sod. Try child traffiking, I hear the money's fabulous.

"skunk brixton 2005"
Surely Lambeth council's new community slogan?

"spiders on drugs"
Thank god it's spiders and not pidgeons on crack. All of our eyes would have been well pecked out by now.

"George Bush"
Now, even saying these two words together, make me feel like I've eaten a shit sandwich.

"Living the life of Reilly"
We'll since this actually is my last name, and I'm alive, and judging by the puerile trash I've written over the last 12 months I am indeed "Living the Life of Reilly". Well kind of...

A big squishy kiss on the lips goes to Smacked Face, whom this whole blog wouldn't have even been born, Mikey Ray for being terrible at spelling, James for being James, Babs for making me laugh, Ms G, Finn, Peter, Simon and anyone else who has graced my comments box. I've probably missed a few out, but hey, tough shit, as far as I'm concerned you ain't even alive till you're in my address book.

Have a good one.