Happiness is a warm gun.

Originally uploaded by LIFE OF REILLY.

I have had it up to my fucking neck with banks. When I first got here it took me a month of bullshit to obtain an account from HSBC (High Street Banking C**ts). Short of a DNA sample and/or holding the bank manager for ransom I somehow managed to get an account. A crap one at that. A basic bank account. Basic isn't the first word to come to mind when I think of the piece of shit that is my bank account. I got given a card, which I can take out £200 a day. It's not a debit card, and I get 0% interest on my cash. I was told that I get taxed on my interest, by the bank also. You dumb fucks! I don't get any frigging interest. I have lived with this bank account for the last 3 months. I am now wanting to move up the ladder and get an account that has a debit card. No big deal you'd think. Yep, it's a big deal. I went in to ask the bank what I needed.

Bitch: You needed some proof of address.
Me: Is my brand spanking new National Insurance number ok? How about a Tenancy Agreement?
Bitch: That is fine, do you want to make an appointment?
Me: Yes!
Bitch: We can see you in early December.
Me: You're kidding me right?
Bitch: Do you have Internet banking, you can apply online.
Me: Uh yeah, are you sure I can apply online?
Bitch: It shouldn't be a problem, that way you just drop in the relevant documentation, and we will take it from there.
Me: Cool! Thank you very much!

Fast forward to today, after getting all the documentation together, I rang HSBC, and got told that I had to go into the branch to apply, and infact I could not apply online. So...off to the bank I went, and joined the queue. (*I hate queues with such a passion, it's scary). First thing I noticed was the normal woman wasn't there. Great... Here we go.

Me: Hi! I would like to upgrade my bank account please.
Harpy: Do you have an account here?
Me: Yes I have a basic bank account.
Harpy: How long have you had it opened for.
Me: Three months.
Harpy: Hmmm well you need to have it opened for 6 months.
Me: [pleading] But I have all the relevant documentation that I was told I needed!

I show the new Harpy my documentation. She shakes her head.

Harpy: You need a utility bill, or a drivers license.
Me: What about all this stuff?
Harpy: You need a utility bill, or a drivers license.
Me: But the lady who saw me last time told me.....
Harpy: You need a utility bill, or a drivers license.
Me: [thinking] Your bloody brains would complement that shiny red HSBC logo right behind you after I blow your freaking head off!
Me: [actually saying] Well I better go see what I can do then. Thank-you.

Then I decided that while I was in the bank I needed to get the £6 that was left in my account to pay for buses till I get paid. I went up to the little desk with the slips. Hmmm no withdrawal slips. They must of run out. I got in the queue again. (*) Finally I got to the counter.

Me: You seem to have no withdrawal slips, I need to get some money from my account?
Muppet: We don't have withdrawal slips.
Me: [thinking] You are a fucking bank aren't you?
Me: [actually saying] Oh? How do I get money out of my account?
Muppet: Have you got a check-book?
Me: How do get a check-book?
Muppet: Do you have a standard account?
Me: I hold up my Basic Bank Account card (As if it had any importance at all, and was my pass to worry free banking)
Muppet: When you have an account with a debit card, you will get a check book.
Me: Oh? But how do I get money out of my account?
Muppet: You can only use that account at automatic tellers.
Me: But the automatic tellers dont have anything less than £10.
Muppet: Sorry, you can only use that account at automatic tellers.
Me: But I need the money for bus fare so I can get to work!
Muppet: Sorry, you can only use that account at automatic tellers.
Me: [thinking] You are lucky there is a sheet of perspex between us right now, bitch.
Me: [actually saying] Oh, ok thank you.

I then camly walked out of the bank, kicked a homeless man in the face for asking for change, and walked back in the rain to work.