Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Early morning warfare.

Originally uploaded by LIFE OF REILLY.

Buses are starting to piss me off. Actually more to the point, the people who get on the bus. People have no manners. When I first started getting the bus, I used to find it quite amusing watching people trying to judge where the bus was going to stop and then try to be the first on the back of the bus. But over the last week or so, I have missed my bus because, I wasn't bothered to join in this stupid exercise. That and getting pushed out the way by smarmy little kids, wankers in suits, old people and the occasional handicapped person. But it's not a good look to turn up late every friggin' day to work, so...... NOW ITS WAR. I've come up with a few self defence/killing techniques for bustop warfare. 1. The quick elbow to the face. (Works best on little kids, who are just the right height and have a parka pulled up, so nobody notices that their face now looks like a busted sausage. 2. The ipod garrote. (works best with people who wear ipods, but any headphone device will do.) Quickly stand behind intended victim and quickly pull out earbuds, make a quick loop around the neck and pull away. They will soon drop off. 3. The Umbrella. This is an old winter favourite, and tends to get used everywhere. Just have your brolly open, just as you are getting on the bus. You can poke out multiple eyes and have personal space. Excellent. 4. The decoy. A handy can of Tennent Super. Just crack one open, while waiting for the bus, and pretend to vomit it up. Just swish it around in your mouth for a minute and then spray a little arc around yourself. Trust me, it's a barrier people won't cross. 5. Beg for fare. Goes well with tip number four. People will stay well clear of you and ignore you. And you might get enough cash for a sammie for lunch. 6. The doll under the wheel. Works best with mums with prams/small children. As the bus is about stop, pull out an oxfam dolly out your satchel and throw it under the oncoming wheel, followed but a quick scream. The mums will be shocked and stunned, and the prams make a good barrier to stop others from getting on the bus before you. 7. Squirt vegetable oil on the curb/road by the bus. (Works best on people who jump onto the road and run to where they think the bus is going to stop, as the bus is about to stop.) Deftly squirt a stream of oil in their path. Quickly step back and watch them slide straight into other passengers. Human ten pin bowling. I love it. 8. Pinch peoples arse. Might get you into more trouble (or a possible date), but you could probably get away with it if you combine it with a fake tourettes syndrome outburst. 9. Crutches. A bit awkward, but they do make good weapons if you are pushed too far. 10. Don't even bother going to work. Only works a few times before you end up losing your job, so only use this baby sparingly.