Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Star Wars Glesga Style (2)

"The Falkirk Wastes are not to be travelled lightly, young Sheepshagger,,,,,,,
Ceen Nutin falls off the bus and proceeds to lose his lunch - "I forgoat how much I hate bus travel."
Him2 - "Oh pipe doon ya woos" (looks around) "whaur the feck ur we?"
Sheepshagger - "The Falkirk wastes - we'll need tae fund old Ben McNulty quickly ah dinnae want to get fund by ony o the locals - they're a bit radio rental and they aw know each ither a wee bit too well around these parts."
Walking along the wastes Him2 spots something lying gleaming on the grass - "Ya wee beauty...booze." (picks up an empty bottle) "Oi Ceen-nutin? You been here afore."
Sheepshagger - "here let me see that...Thunderbird - sh*t! Sand-dancers aright and look! here they come. Leggit!"
They are chased along the wastes when there is a load roaring noise and suddenly the sand-dancers stop and beat a hasty retreat.
Sheepshagger looks up the hill and spots a an old man - "Well young sheepshagger, the Falkirk wastes are not to be travelled lightly, whit ye dain up here?"
Sheepshagger - chasin some burd aff a video, what a babe and a great pair o...
Ben - "the sound of running water chases the locals for a while but they'll be back so we'd best get a move oan. C'mon we'll go tae my place and hae a couple of cans."
Ceen-nutin - "Any Cally Super?"
back in his hoose, Ben McNulty hands oot the cans and plants hisself doon in front of the telly.
"well, Wee Sheepshagger - looks like yir up to yir neck in this wan - ye better come wi me to easterhoose and gie me haunners'
'aww, naww, I cannae. aww the heefers back at ra ferm have got mastitis, and ma uncle'll kick ma nuts if a go aff fighting stead o'gieing them their doses......
Sheepshagger, yiv a rep tae live up to - yir old man was the hardest bam this side o' Barlinnie.'
'Naw he wizn'y. Ma uncle told me ma Dad wiz a wee poof who picked flowers and stuff"
'Yir uncle's talking jobbies. Yir Dad wiz a pure mental heid-the -baw, and nae-one could touch him - until DCI Vader got him....'
"DCI Vader ?"
"Aye well. I'll tell you about that septic fud later - right noo, we've got to get oorselves a motor and get to easterhoose....
Here - y'better take this. It wiz your old man's chib. He wanted you to huv it."
:: Luke slides open the ancient Stanley knife and swishes it aboot::
" Aww brilliant....."
:: everywan piles oot the door and heads off to the pub, in search of some back-up wi' a fast van::
Meanwhile on the Death-baw Princess McGlmpshey's cell door slides open.
McGlimpshey: O it's yerself helmet-heid.
Vader: Helmet-heid? Why ya wee...
McGlimpshey: Helmet-heid, ba-heid, it's all the same tae me.
Vader: Listen you, yer in the sh*t noo unless you tell me whaur those tapes ur?
McGlipmshey: (with raised single finger) swivell oan this ya tube!
Vader: Well we've goat drugs tae make you talk.
McGlimpshey: Drugs? Ya beauty, a huvnae hud a fix in ages man...
Vader: O just gee hur a kickin lads.
Meanwhile back in Falkirk...

McNulty: Right sheepshagger, this boozer is a wee bit on the rough side and it's full o rednecks but we need a driver so watch whit yer dain.
Sheepshagger: Can I use ma chib.
McNulty: Naw - ye hauvnae been trained in the ways o the fartz yet.
Sheepshagger: The Fartz?
McNulty: Later.
Barman: Oi, thae two urnae gettin served in here.
McNulty: Whit?
Barman: Yer Jakies, they're blootered get them oot.
Sheepshagger: Listen, yo too wait ootside, we'll no be long.
Ceen Nutin: Aw come oan just a wee drap. am gaspin man.
Sheepshagger:wait outside.
McNulty: Sheepshagger, we're in luck, that hairly bloke chewing baccy there says he might just hauv a driver for us tae get tae Castlemilk tae meet McGlimpshey.
Sheepshagger: Man, he's pure clatty lookin and he's reeking o p*ss.
McNulty: Shoosh - he's no deef ye know.
Handsome yet Solo: Handsome Solo boys, ah hear ye need a fast motor - well ma wee number is the Capri Falcon.
McNulty: Handsome? that's rich - yon ugly tree must have hud a lot o branches on it.
Handsome: Whit?
McNulty: Ignore him, is it fast.
Handsome: Fast? It's the motor that dun the Bar-isle run in less than 20 minutes - it's too fast for you, old-yin. Whaur are ye goin?
McNulty: Castlemilk.
Handsome: Ra mulk, forget it pal, am noo stoopid or desparate.
McNulty: Look we'll gie ye a fiver noo and another 20 when we get there.
Handsome: Okay so a um you ootside, parking bay 93.
Meanwhile, back on the Death Baw, McGlimpshey is being taken to see Vader's gaffer.
McGlimpshey: Lally-tine - I might o know it wid be you hauding knob-heid's leish.
Lally-tine - classy chick as always eh? Right, whaur ur thae tapes?
McGlimpshey: Up yer hol....
Lally-tine: Thought so...see oot that windae there, that's ra Mulk and unless you tell me whaur the tapes ur, I'm gonnae flatten it.
McGlipmshey: Haud on big man - Castlemilk is full of decent families.
Lally-tine: Yer ar*e - it's full O junkies and jakies but if you have an alternative location then spit it oot.
McGlimpshey: (looking out the windae). Dennistoun, they're in Dennistoun.
Lally-tine: See Vader, told ye she'd cough up. A whit the...just level it onyway - you may swing ra baw when ready...
McGlimpshey: Ya lying big ye...
So everyone piles oot the pub into the car park – and Luke Sheepshagger is immediately no too impressed with the Capri Falcon…….
"Whit a scrapper – ho, McNulty, wiv been sold a pig in a poke"
But Handsome’s no having any of this snash…..
"Listen, ya wee teuchter, get in and shut up. You’ll no have hud a ride this good since the last time your sister goat drunk and forgot to put the snib oan….."
"Right, ya bam, that’s it, your deid…….."
But, as the boys prepare for a square go, two squad cars rip round the corner, sirens blaring…….
"Crivvens! Lets get oota here!"
The Capri Falcon flings a major U-ey, jumps the kerb, and roars aff doon the road, with the squad cars in hot pursuit.
"Whit’s wi the major polis?" asks Handsome…. "dinny tell me yous bams urr waanted fur murder or sumthin?"
"Drive, ya choob," sez Sheepshagger, "whit was aww yir bawz aboot this heap shiftin’?"
"Listen, ya wee plamff, yir no in a tractor now – stow it or yir ditched…..
The big hairy guy chewin’ baccy does some gruntin' and pointin'..
"Aye, there’s the M90 slip," sez Handsome, "wance we’re oan the motorway, they’ll no touch us…..wait fur it….wait fur it…. RIGHT – hit the nitrous oxide ……yeeeeeehhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"
In a puff o’fumes, the Capri Falcon rips aff doon the motorway, leaving the polis cruisers looking silly
"see yiz later – ya bunch of faaa-nniiieeesssssssssssssss……….."
Meanwhile, back on the Death Baw:::
Pat Lally-tine is sittin' in his office, reading Club International and smoking some Regal Kingsize, with DCI Vader stood at his back, peering oot the windae and smokin' Lambert and Butlers— when in dashes a cooncil flunky wi some news...
"wiv tore Dennistoun apart, sir, and there's nae tapes - but we found some empty Buckfast boatles - completely dried up - thurs been no neds there fur a good long while....."
"Ah told you she'd no grass up her pals," growls Vader ...
"Aww thats it - her baws burst," snarls Lally-Tine. "Vader, ah want that wee coo floatin' face doon in the Clyde by teatime - see to it yirsel".
"As you wish, wee man, as you wish".......