Star Wars Glesga Style
STAR WARS: Ep4
'YIV NAE HOPE, PAL'
Pure ages ago, in a galaxy oot past Carbeth.......
...it was a time of loads o barneys and knifings. Ra tongs, fresh from their first good dooen of ra SYTO, were legging it quick style throo Multon...
Wi the help of a brick, Princess Senga McGlimshey hus pinched several videos oot the windae at Dixons, and noo the polis, led by that bam DCI Vader, are giving it big nee-naw doon the road efter her (interior of Princess Senga's stolen transit - also present are her two faithful jakey droids - Ceen-nutin and him-2)
Senga - if yon poils vader gets his haunds on these vids, ma teas oot - here Him2, take this and leg it!
Ceen nutin - no way man, dinnae tak it Him-2. We're no getting tha jail for that tart!
Him2 (seriously drunk)proceedes to puke all over Senga.
Senga - right that's it, i'm pure fed up wi you too - here (puts tapes doon Him2's not-so-dry troosers) (proceedes to boot the 2 droids out of the car and into the gutter).
"DCI Vader , sur."
"Two neds have exited the veecull"
"Neds do not concern me, serjant - get me that burd and those videos !"
With her getaway transit van ran aff the road, and her thieving gang in tatters, Princess Senga finds herself cornered by polis.
"Set truncheons to unconscious...."
"Come oan then ya bunch of fa...."WALLAP !
Handcuffed, Senga is hauled up in front of DCI Vader.
"Vader ya bawbag - you make ma life a misery, so ye do"
"Aye McGlimshey - ye weren'y collecting gingey bottles this time. Gies those videos, ya wee hairy."
"Don't come it with me gurl. You're heading fur the High Court with my toe up yir arse. Get her oot a ma sight !
Meanwhile, fresh from their tumble oot the van, Ceen-Nutin and Him-2 are trying to figure oot where they are....
Ceen-nuttin & Him2 swagger doon High Street jist comin up tae Trongate.
Him2 diz a recky an sees a motor ootside the pub unner the bridge an breks intae it...
Ceen-nuthin - we better watch or ra polis wull be efter us. Heh...witch yoo daein'..brekkin intae tha' motur...? We'll go tae the bad fire so we wull...
Blanking Seen-Nuthin, Him-2 hops into the motor and whizzes aff eastwards.
"aye, go on then ya wee jobbie - some pal you urr......."
Seen-Nuthin wanders aff westwards....
"He'll be puggled again in no time - the speccy wee waster"
Him-2 doesn't get far. Stoppin' ootside Haddows, thinkin' its time for some Bucky, a bunch of bairns with blades jump in the car..
"Tek us to Lenzie, mister, or we'll mark your coupon"
Soon efter, Seen-Nuthin's walking along Gt Western Rd, trying to thumb a lift.
And who should pick him up but..... aye, Him2 and his posse of wee knife-wielding neds.
"Aww its you, Him2 — brilliant. I missed ye wee man. Yir my best pal. Where we goin' ?"
IN THE NEXT EXCITING INSTALLMENT WE MEET LUKE SHEEPSHAGGER - a simple farmboy from the Campsie hill villages who dreams of a life of petty crime in the big city........
Luke sheepshagger staggers oot o the sheepshagger settlement in Lenzie and squints against what seems to be two suns in the sky.
Sheepshagger - Geezus that buckie wiz strong! Belch! Aww sh*t kebab breath!
Auntie Morag - Luke, whaur are you goan?
Sheepshagger - sake morag. Am away to help uncle wullie fund a couple of jakeys tae help wi the garden - thone weeds are aw ower the place noo.
Auntie Morag - aye, well tell old bawheid tae make sure they speak English. I didnae hae a clue whit the last wans were on aboot haulf the time.
Sheepshagger - I'll tell him but he disnae pay me any heid so we've nae chance.
Wullie spots three jakeys sauntering along the road.
Wullie - A right fellas
Ceen Nutin - are you the polis?
Wullie - No way wee man. Am lookin for a haunders wi ma garden - yees up for a few boab lads.
Jakeys - too right big man - lead on.
Wullie - Haud on noo - A only need two of yous. (He points to Ceen nutin.) - Do you speak English or Bocce.
Ceen Nutin - Bocce? Bocce is it - I'll Bocce you ya...
Wullie - You'll dae and yer pal there - beetroot face.
Ceen Nutin - Well Him2 - I'm offski so see ye later aligator.
5 stumbles later old beetroot face proceeds to choke on his own puke and lands face down in the nearby gutter.
Sheepshagger - what the...Hey Wullie - this guys totally shagged man - lets take the other and leg it.
So sheepshagger takes these two mingers into the barn and gies them a bath - they're pure stinking......
"Oh thats brilliant,: sez Seen-Nutin as he sinks into the mixture o' 50 percent sheep-dip, 20 per cent diesel and 30 percent Dettol.
Him-2s unconscious, and Luke checks his pockets.
'Ho, whits this?'
'Whits what?'sez Seen-Nutin, who's soapin' his groin a bit too much.
'These videos in yir pals kecks? Haud on...thir's a note wi them....'
READS NOTE, SLOWLY, POINTING AT EACH WORD
"Obi Wan McNulty - way back in the Calton, you and ma daw got on great, and ye knocked three shades of sh*te out of everywan in the Tong Wars..
"Now Ah need yir help. These vidjo tapes in ma pal's pants grass up Mayor Pat-Lallytine's plans to knock doon Easterhoose with a big cran swinging somethin' ca'ed a 'Death Baw'
'Gies these vidjo's to ma da, and he'll sort ye oot for some cans and a biryani....
"She soonds like a right screw - I fancy her rotten," sez Luke (whose no done it with anything human ever)
'Mebbe she meens that old jakey Ben McNulty up in Falkirk - I'm up for a mission if you pair are !"