Thursday, January 06, 2005

Dark Satanic Scotland.

I had the best intentions going up to Glasgow, I really did. I was going to see my Granny, and do the rounds with my huge extended family. But the evil grip of Dark Satanic Scotland gripped its icy tentacles around me and took me on a 5 day bender instead. Bastard.

It all began with an innocent Xmas dinner, which turned into a rather debauched affair. As soon as the Uncles and Aunties left, the two young disciples of Dark Satanic Scotland got stuck into the real xmas pressies. Next thing you know it's 5am and decide it's a good idea to visit some other cousins in the freezing snow. More madness ensues and we are all having a very good time. Roll on 11am and we hit the pub. To my surprise it's packed. I forgot that it's Glasgow, and that everyone is drunk. Well I had to join them. How could I refuse?

Next stop it's another pub, and meeting some more disciples to watch Celtic play. The game took a back seat, for I was trying to keep my little head from slowly melting away into my pint. Oh dear. Back to another cousins house for another all night session. As soon as it was light (about 11am) with another few new keen disciples of Dark Satanic Scotland we headed back to the pub to attempt to straighten out (why do I think that more boozing is going to help me feel straighter?) I switch to drinking cider, which seemed to be leveling me out a bit, which is kind of cool (Warning: drinking cider for any extended time will have drastic effects at the other end. Thinking you are going to shit your pants everytime you laugh is a scary thought, and I think I might have said too much, but hey its, out now.... so to speak.)

At this stage I decided that some solid food was in order, and found that deep fried scotch pies soaked in vinegar and salt, are the most perfect food to eat in this condition. And believe you me, it is the perfect food. It's all I ate for the next 3 days.

Next stop: I didn't even go back to my cousins house and ended up staying with my new best mate for next few days. Greenie, you my man, are a legend. He coined the phrase Dark Satanic Scotland, and explained to me in great drunken detail what it entailed.

When we arrived at his flat, he showed my his view. A grey towerblock and a methadone clinic. Yay! It was getting dark at 4.00pm and junkies queued up daily for the daily dose of liquid handcuffs. Not to mention the giant crows that circled overhead and swooped down and plucked babies from prams. To top it off, the scene was completed with a gigantic grey blanket that seemed to cover the entire sky. Welcome to Dark Satanic Scotland. What more do you need to welcome you?

Music, of course. And who is the the man responsible for Dark Satanic Scotland? None other than Nick Cave. That man is Satan. In our warped minds, somehow Mr. Cave was the perfect representative for Dark Satanic Scotland at Xmas time. Infact, he is the real St. Nick. (Watch the video for Stagger Lee and you too will see what I mean.) Anyway this led to another all night musical binge with notable highlights (from what I can remember) was Gang of Four: To hell with poverty and The Fall: Theme from Sparta F.C. Infact, thats all I can remember, due to Greenie, constantly putting thes two songs on repeat. Not that i cared a jot. it rocked.

The sun peeked out at 9.00am and decided to fuck off half an hour later. Brilliant! St.Nick was still working that Dark Satanic Magic over bonny Scotland. We both had to do go into the town centre and do some domestic things. Oh what a chore. In the space of ten minutes, we were shaking, sweating and feeling really, really shit. Only one cure for this. The pub. After managing to to get the first couple of ciders down, by some miracle the shakes and sweats subsided. Funny that eh? Scary really, but hell at this stage there was no turning back. I had lost track of the days by this stage, and was reminded that Ms.Smacked Face and Ms.G were coming up on the train for Hogmanay, which apparently was tomorrow. Oh fuck. It's not even New Years eve yet, I am so not going to make it. Only thing was to pray to his Dark Satanic Majesty himself, the mighty Nick Cave, and hope to hell he'd see me through these hard times...........

To be continued.